Photographer: J.W. CUDD Model: Rachel Hollon

Photographer: J.W. CUDD
Model: Rachel Hollon

Lost Love and Found Furniture: A Modern Dating Story
August 4, 2016
By Emili Miranda

     Modern dating is a rather fascinating advancement in the realms of human interaction and the way we find love. According to a study done by psychologist John Cacioppo, over a third of married couples in the US have met via an online dating sites (1). It has never been easier to meet people than it is now. With apps like Tinder, Plenty of Fish, Grinder, OK Cupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, and so on there are literally options out there for all of us. The Internet has opened a world of endless communication possibilities and around every right-swipe your potential soul mate could be waiting.

     However, that hasn’t been the case with me. If we are being completely honest my Internet dates haven’t worked out well at all, with experiences ranging from the scaring to the down right forgettable. I’ve had dates that ended with me pulling the classic, “ I have to feed my cat” line. I once had a date with a guy that appeared normal from the outside and then turned out he lived with his crazy religious parents and I had to hide in a closet when they came home early from vacation (but that’s a story for another time). No, this modern dating tale is one of both my failed adventures with finding love and my successes at furnishing most of my house from online dates. For the sake of privacy, I’ve changed their names, but the stories themselves are true.

     “Dave” was the first guy I ever met off an online dating site. As all good dating stories start, this guy appeared too good to be true. He was a kind and caring guy who worked a good IT job and had goals he wanted to accomplish. We had similar taste in music and he made me laugh. He was close with his family and appeared to have an emotional depth that most men lacked- I was smitten. But remember what I said about being too good to be true? Well that’s because he was. A few months in, things just didn’t add up. He had way too much free time on his hands and his story would change ever so slightly. Turns out that good job he had? He was fired from months ago. And that story about living with his family to save money for his business ventures? Lies. He was really a divorced 28 year old who had a mental breakdown and his wife left him with. Thankfully I escaped before going too far down that rabbit hole, but not before scoring 4 boxes of kitchen gear for my brother and a copy of Catch-22, which thinking now is a rather ironic book to get from my first Internet dating experience.

     After Dave, there was a series of flings. Such as “Matt” the deadbeat surfer who had a smile for days and knew what he was doing in bed. I met him off Tinder and while he was short lived, I managed to score a rug that’s under my kitchen table as we speak. Every time I run my feet over the soft fabric I think about his rock hard abs and that girlfriend he forgot to tell me about. Then there was “Mr. M” the man who lied to me about his age and his police record, but he did give a great guest futon and night table, so win-win in my book.

     My personal favorite story of found furniture has to be my couch. This lovely piece came from a guy we will call “Big P”, which is a rather appropriate pseudonym considering his penis was the only redeeming quality he had. Big P and I went on a couple great early dates. We talked about our love of the “The Wire” and Japanese food and their eccentric culture. He was easy to be with as we laughed over hard ciders and games of pool. Everything seemed to be going smoothly and I had a feeling I could have fun with this guy. It wasn’t until around date six that I started to notice things were...off. And what was off was that he very clearly did not like women and he was what we would call a raging misogynist. It wasn’t overt at first but the more comfortable he got, the more his real personality started to peek through. He’d make comments here and there about news stories involving women, or outfit’s women were wearing on the streets. I tried to brush it off, but the final straw came when he told me rape culture was something made up by feminists to justify their movement. I was shocked; I didn’t even know what to say to such an idiotic statement. It was at that point I knew I had to escape this guy but not before scoring that couch he was desperate to move out his garage. He wanted his parking spot back and I wanted a place to sit my ass in comfort and style. I knew I had to play it cool though: I wanted that couch for free so I’d have to be subtle with my intentions.

     I set up one final date. “Hey, Big P, I really want that couch from you, how about I pay for dinner and movies and you help me move it?” We had a deal. That day he drove the couch to my house, helped me move it into the corner spot next to the window that overlooked the trees. I told Big P I was going to take a shower and then meet him at the movies later that evening. He told me not to be late since he hated missing even one preview. I promised I’d be prompt and kissed him goodbye. But I never did show up, and instead, I sat on that couch and wrote a piece about misogynist assholes of Tinder. I watched his texts roll in, getting angrier by every passing movie trailer he was missing.

     Dating in the modern world is an adventure to say the least. And while my experiences haven’t all been good, I’ve learned more about myself and what I will tolerate and what I will not, which to me is the whole point of dating. And while I think I might just stick to meeting people the old fashion way, AKA in real life, the perils of my online dating experiences have left me with a series of hilarious stories.

     Oh, and of course some great furniture pieces.